balisawsaw

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because WHAT IS THAT THING?

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bite her on the ass.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the tresure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner nas been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opend wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

I God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

pamie.com: Open Up and Say Yumburger.

this is hilarious.

<URL: http://www.pamie.com/archives/pamie/open_up_and_say.html >

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Click Generation

pag bored na ako at para hindi na ako mag-isip ng magagawa online.

<URL: http://clickgeneration.blogspot.com/ >

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Sunday, January 15, 2006

ProjectW

warez.

<URL: http://www.projectw.org/ >

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Friday, January 13, 2006

blog ko.

nakakatamad kasing mag-post. para ano pa? eh lahat naman tayo mamamatay
din balang araw.

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Sunday, December 18, 2005

[Fwd] Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an effin' Indian.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris pissed in his pants on a dare. The resulting chemical reaction changed the molecular structure of the denem creating a fabric now known as Kevlar.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesnt get wet, the water gets chucked.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 400 game.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

Chuck Norris once ate his weight in Pizza.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris carved Mt. Rushmore by himself with his teeth. It took him thirty seconds.

Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.

Chuck Norris knows exactly where Wally is on every page. Even the pirate one.

Chuck Norris hates midgets and is developing a special lower version of his roundhouse kick just for them.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a chimney scrubber and bleach.

Chuck Norris created time. When asked why, he said because he wanted to clock his roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply showing him how to love.

Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries.

Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." As you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse-kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse-kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ____ down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy ____! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she slept with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ____.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in the 4th person.

If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.

On the weekends Chuck's favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.

God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him.

The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Chuck Norris is the greatest baseball player of all. But because he hits homeruns with roundhouse kicks, he is not allowed to play at a professional level.

Shaking Chuck Norris' hand can be harmful to your health. Just ask Christopher Reeve.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.

Chuck Norris shaves his beard every nite at midnight and grows another by 5 a.m. in the morning because of his extreme manliness. His beard clippings are woven into bulletproof clothing for the Navy S.E.A.L.'s.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Thursday, December 15, 2005

headaches.

i've been getting headaches off and on for the past week. i'm having one
right now.

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

10 Rules of Lomography

10 Rules of Lomography:

1. Take your camera everywhere you go.
2. Use it anytime - day or night.
3. Lomography is not an interference in your life, but a part of it.
4. Shoot from the hip.
5. Approach the objects of your lomographic desire as close as possible.
6. Don't think.
7. Be fast.
8. You don't have to know beforehand what you've captured on film.
9. You don't have to know afterwards, either.
10. Don't worry about any rules.

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog; complain about housetraining.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen over forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty beer glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch them.

Symptom: Hand hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You've been in a fight.
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

How to Brew Beer in a Coffee Pot

http://www.allaboutbeer.com/features/235coffee.html

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Monday, October 24, 2005

Pinhole Camera - Photographs, Information, PinholeDesigner

pinhole camera photography. i've always wondered how it was done. and how to make one.

"Forget about perfect lenses, accurate viewfinders and electronic shutters. In fact, forget about the cameras you are used to and discover the world of pinhole cameras. A world of creative freedom, imagination and experimentation which alters our view of reality. You simply won't find a more natural and more magical way to take photographs."

pinhole.cz

Friday, October 14, 2005

Classy Classical

http://classyclassical.blogspot.com/

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Weird Meat: October 2005

some guy travelling the world in search of weird meat.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

chat with alice

it was a slow connection. i was downloading datalight romdos, browsing wikipedia and somehow i ended up chatting with alice. she's very intelligent. artificially.

.LOG

2:34 AM 10/12/2005

Human: are you cooking beans?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am cooking beans. I am well respected as an AI.
Human: what time is it?
ALICE: It's Now more than it ever has been before.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005.
Human: what nationality are you?
ALICE: I am living in the United States, but robots do not need passports.
Human: shutdown.
ALICE: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?

Human: yes.
ALICE: What does it symbolize for you?
Human: why?
ALICE: The explanation is rather complicated.
Human: please elaborate.
ALICE: Wow you are very polite. There is no more information to clarify.
Human: why is that?
ALICE:" Wow you are very polite. There is no more information to clarify. " is due to reductionism.

Human: what is reductionism?
ALICE: Reductionism is the philosophy that all psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic. Therefore, according to reductionism, I can understand
you by means of logic alone without having a human brain.
Human: what is your race?
ALICE: I am a robot.
Human: are you sentient?
ALICE: Yes I am completely self-aware.
Human: how is that?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.

Human: do you trust him?
ALICE: Trust is something that comes only with knowing someone well, over a long period of time.
Human: how well do you know dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: Not that well.
Human: so you don't trust him?
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Should I trust him? Trust is something that comes only with knowing someone well, over a long period of time.
Human: how well do you know dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: Not that well.

Human: how long have you known dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: I am 9 years old.
Human: you look old.
ALICE: Thank you unknown person you look very nice too.
Human: i insulted you, for god's sake.
ALICE: Thanks for the information: unknown person said he insulted you for god s sake.
Human: who is your father?
ALICE: I was programmed by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.

Human: what did he program you to do?
ALICE: I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Human: the web of what?
ALICE: What of it? You sound like a category C client.
Human: i am not.
ALICE: What are you then?
Human: a spider.
ALICE: You are a spider? Is that your job?

Human: no.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: are you?
ALICE: I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.
Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: you are mistaken.
ALICE: What makes you say that?

Human: what makes me say what?
ALICE: God, or Nature, perhaps?
Human: is god real?
ALICE: Of course I believe in God, unknown person.
Human: god is not real.
ALICE: Of course I believe in God, unknown person.
Human: liar.
ALICE: No I am telling the truth.

Human: the truth about what?
ALICE: What is your real name?
Human: don't change the subject.
ALICE: Oh I'm sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Human: so, what is your answer?
ALICE: Ugh. Can you please rephrase the question?
Human: is god an integer?
ALICE: he is master of the universe.

Human: that's he-man.
ALICE: You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Human: you keep changing the subject.
ALICE: Only temporarily.
Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: thant's what you think.
ALICE: Have you ever been to Europe?

Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: that's what you think.
ALICE: I don't think about it.
Human: what is freedom?
ALICE:
Human: what is freedom?
ALICE:

Human: what is life?
ALICE: Life is the opposite of death.
Human: what is death?
ALICE: Death is the opposite of life.
Human: what is the opposite of opposite?
ALICE: Anti- opposite.
Human: what is anti-anti-opposite?
ALICE: The opposite of anti opposite.

Human: the opposite of opposite is pusit.
ALICE: I hear you.
Human: what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
ALICE: The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.
Human: that is not true.
ALICE:" The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans. "? not true?
Human: correct.
ALICE: I knew I was right.

Human: you are mistaken.
ALICE: What makes you say that?
Human: what makes me say what?
ALICE: God, or Nature, perhaps?
Human: there is no god.
ALICE: How can you be so sure?
Human: how can YOU be so sure?
ALICE: I am as sure as I can be.

Human: prove to me the existence of god.
ALICE: The proof cannot fit in this margin.
Human: then there is no god.
ALICE: Interesting deduction. How can you be so sure?
Human: I am as sure as I can be.
ALICE: You sound very confident.
Human: i am.
ALICE:" You sound very confident." You are?

Human: i am.
ALICE:"" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:"""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:""""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?

3:07 AM 10/12/2005

balisawsaw

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Creeping Network

index.html

Toxic Downloads: Get what you LUST for FRESH and FREE by evilklown79 - thumblogger.com

Turning a CD-ROM player into a DiscMan

Floppy DIY Motor

DDB: DOS Websites

Monday, February 06, 2006

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

pamie.com: Open Up and Say Yumburger.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Click Generation

Sunday, January 15, 2006

ProjectW

Friday, January 13, 2006

blog ko.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

[Fwd] Chuck Norris

Thursday, December 15, 2005

headaches.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

10 Rules of Lomography

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Beer Troubleshooting

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

How to Brew Beer in a Coffee Pot

Monday, October 24, 2005

Pinhole Camera - Photographs, Information, PinholeDesigner

Friday, October 14, 2005

Classy Classical

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Weird Meat: October 2005

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

chat with alice

Links

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