[Fwd] Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an effin' Indian.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris pissed in his pants on a dare. The resulting chemical reaction changed the molecular structure of the denem creating a fabric now known as Kevlar.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesnt get wet, the water gets chucked.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 400 game.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

Chuck Norris once ate his weight in Pizza.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris carved Mt. Rushmore by himself with his teeth. It took him thirty seconds.

Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.

Chuck Norris knows exactly where Wally is on every page. Even the pirate one.

Chuck Norris hates midgets and is developing a special lower version of his roundhouse kick just for them.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a chimney scrubber and bleach.

Chuck Norris created time. When asked why, he said because he wanted to clock his roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply showing him how to love.

Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries.

Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." As you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse-kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse-kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ____ down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy ____! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she slept with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ____.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in the 4th person.

If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.

On the weekends Chuck's favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.

God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him.

The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Chuck Norris is the greatest baseball player of all. But because he hits homeruns with roundhouse kicks, he is not allowed to play at a professional level.

Shaking Chuck Norris' hand can be harmful to your health. Just ask Christopher Reeve.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.

Chuck Norris shaves his beard every nite at midnight and grows another by 5 a.m. in the morning because of his extreme manliness. His beard clippings are woven into bulletproof clothing for the Navy S.E.A.L.'s.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

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::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

headaches.

i've been getting headaches off and on for the past week. i'm having one
right now.

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::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::