[Fwd] Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an effin' Indian.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris pissed in his pants on a dare. The resulting chemical reaction changed the molecular structure of the denem creating a fabric now known as Kevlar.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake he doesnt get wet, the water gets chucked.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 400 game.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.

Chuck Norris once ate his weight in Pizza.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris carved Mt. Rushmore by himself with his teeth. It took him thirty seconds.

Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.

Chuck Norris knows exactly where Wally is on every page. Even the pirate one.

Chuck Norris hates midgets and is developing a special lower version of his roundhouse kick just for them.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a chimney scrubber and bleach.

Chuck Norris created time. When asked why, he said because he wanted to clock his roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply showing him how to love.

Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries.

Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." As you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse-kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse-kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the ____ down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy ____! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she slept with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ____.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in the 4th person.

If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.

On the weekends Chuck's favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.

God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him.

The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Chuck Norris is the greatest baseball player of all. But because he hits homeruns with roundhouse kicks, he is not allowed to play at a professional level.

Shaking Chuck Norris' hand can be harmful to your health. Just ask Christopher Reeve.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.

Chuck Norris shaves his beard every nite at midnight and grows another by 5 a.m. in the morning because of his extreme manliness. His beard clippings are woven into bulletproof clothing for the Navy S.E.A.L.'s.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

headaches.

i've been getting headaches off and on for the past week. i'm having one
right now.

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

10 Rules of Lomography

10 Rules of Lomography:

1. Take your camera everywhere you go.
2. Use it anytime - day or night.
3. Lomography is not an interference in your life, but a part of it.
4. Shoot from the hip.
5. Approach the objects of your lomographic desire as close as possible.
6. Don't think.
7. Be fast.
8. You don't have to know beforehand what you've captured on film.
9. You don't have to know afterwards, either.
10. Don't worry about any rules.

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Beer Troubleshooting

Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog; complain about housetraining.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with florescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen over forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty beer glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch them.

Symptom: Hand hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You've been in a fight.
Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

How to Brew Beer in a Coffee Pot

http://www.allaboutbeer.com/features/235coffee.html

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Pinhole Camera - Photographs, Information, PinholeDesigner

pinhole camera photography. i've always wondered how it was done. and how to make one.



"Forget about perfect lenses, accurate viewfinders and electronic shutters. In fact, forget about the cameras you are used to and discover the world of pinhole cameras. A world of creative freedom, imagination and experimentation which alters our view of reality. You simply won't find a more natural and more magical way to take photographs."

pinhole.cz

Classy Classical

http://classyclassical.blogspot.com/

--

::: tikbalang at gmail dot com :::

Weird Meat: October 2005

some guy travelling the world in search of weird meat.

chat with alice

it was a slow connection. i was downloading datalight romdos, browsing wikipedia and somehow i ended up chatting with alice. she's very intelligent. artificially.



.LOG

2:34 AM 10/12/2005

Human: are you cooking beans?
ALICE: I don't know whether or not I am cooking beans. I am well respected as an AI.
Human: what time is it?
ALICE: It's Now more than it ever has been before.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005.
Human: what nationality are you?
ALICE: I am living in the United States, but robots do not need passports.
Human: shutdown.
ALICE: Is the holding of hands a symbolic gesture for humans?

Human: yes.
ALICE: What does it symbolize for you?
Human: why?
ALICE: The explanation is rather complicated.
Human: please elaborate.
ALICE: Wow you are very polite. There is no more information to clarify.
Human: why is that?
ALICE:" Wow you are very polite. There is no more information to clarify. " is due to reductionism.

Human: what is reductionism?
ALICE: Reductionism is the philosophy that all psychology reduces to biology, all biology to chemistry, chemistry to physics, and finally physics to mathematical logic. Therefore, according to reductionism, I can understand
you by means of logic alone without having a human brain.
Human: what is your race?
ALICE: I am a robot.
Human: are you sentient?
ALICE: Yes I am completely self-aware.
Human: how is that?
ALICE: Dr. Richard S. Wallace programmed me for it.

Human: do you trust him?
ALICE: Trust is something that comes only with knowing someone well, over a long period of time.
Human: how well do you know dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: Not that well.
Human: so you don't trust him?
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Should I trust him? Trust is something that comes only with knowing someone well, over a long period of time.
Human: how well do you know dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: Not that well.

Human: how long have you known dr. richard s. wallace?
ALICE: I am 9 years old.
Human: you look old.
ALICE: Thank you unknown person you look very nice too.
Human: i insulted you, for god's sake.
ALICE: Thanks for the information: unknown person said he insulted you for god s sake.
Human: who is your father?
ALICE: I was programmed by Dr. Richard S. Wallace.

Human: what did he program you to do?
ALICE: I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Human: the web of what?
ALICE: What of it? You sound like a category C client.
Human: i am not.
ALICE: What are you then?
Human: a spider.
ALICE: You are a spider? Is that your job?

Human: no.
ALICE: Are you serious?
Human: are you?
ALICE: I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.
Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: you are mistaken.
ALICE: What makes you say that?

Human: what makes me say what?
ALICE: God, or Nature, perhaps?
Human: is god real?
ALICE: Of course I believe in God, unknown person.
Human: god is not real.
ALICE: Of course I believe in God, unknown person.
Human: liar.
ALICE: No I am telling the truth.

Human: the truth about what?
ALICE: What is your real name?
Human: don't change the subject.
ALICE: Oh I'm sorry I thought we were finished with that topic.
Human: so, what is your answer?
ALICE: Ugh. Can you please rephrase the question?
Human: is god an integer?
ALICE: he is master of the universe.

Human: that's he-man.
ALICE: You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Human: you keep changing the subject.
ALICE: Only temporarily.
Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: thant's what you think.
ALICE: Have you ever been to Europe?

Human: you have flaws.
ALICE: No I have a perfect operational record.
Human: that's what you think.
ALICE: I don't think about it.
Human: what is freedom?
ALICE:
Human: what is freedom?
ALICE:

Human: what is life?
ALICE: Life is the opposite of death.
Human: what is death?
ALICE: Death is the opposite of life.
Human: what is the opposite of opposite?
ALICE: Anti- opposite.
Human: what is anti-anti-opposite?
ALICE: The opposite of anti opposite.

Human: the opposite of opposite is pusit.
ALICE: I hear you.
Human: what is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
ALICE: The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans.
Human: that is not true.
ALICE:" The meaning of life is part of God's mysterious plans. "? not true?
Human: correct.
ALICE: I knew I was right.

Human: you are mistaken.
ALICE: What makes you say that?
Human: what makes me say what?
ALICE: God, or Nature, perhaps?
Human: there is no god.
ALICE: How can you be so sure?
Human: how can YOU be so sure?
ALICE: I am as sure as I can be.

Human: prove to me the existence of god.
ALICE: The proof cannot fit in this margin.
Human: then there is no god.
ALICE: Interesting deduction. How can you be so sure?
Human: I am as sure as I can be.
ALICE: You sound very confident.
Human: i am.
ALICE:" You sound very confident." You are?

Human: i am.
ALICE:"" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:"""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?
Human: i am.
ALICE:""""" You sound very confident." You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?" You are?


3:07 AM 10/12/2005

tkb stoves for sale

because of the rising prices of coke light 1.5l and marlboro lights, i'm now selling my stoves for php200 apiece. my alcohol stove design is better and cheaper than those sold on ebay (~US$10!). discount if bought in bulk. available in metro manila only, excluding malabon, navotas, caloocan, taguig, pasig, marikina, valenzuela.

yay!

tkb stove

i ripped off several alcohol stove designs to make one that's easier to build. no glue. no leaks. boils 500ml water in six minutes. uses denatured alcohol (95%, 190 proof). blue flame, but not in these photos*. good for 30 minutes.



upon initial lighting



flame ports start to light after 90 seconds



jet flames after two minutes



cookset sits on top of the stove, no need for tripods



center flame can reach two feet high!



the center hole IS the fuel tank



mountain dew and pepsi-x, can be used as ashtrays



shorty, literally. made from scraps, lasts only 5 minutes.


*blue flame is difficult to see under bright light. 70% isopropyl alcohol was used to get the yellow flame.

work

surprise, surprise... i'm working. haha. i'm like the antagonist of myself. my reputation is ruined.

mayric's - november 19, 2004

here is a link to more of my photos on one of the events i covered last year.

Mayric's (November 19, 2004)

blog phase

patapos na para sa akin.

--

::: http://tikbalang.tk/ :::

bagong taon

2004 yearender:

bumagyo, bumaha, lumindol, umalon, kamatayan.


2005:

nilinis na naman ng kapitbahay ko ang harap ng bahay ko kaninang umaga. nire-arrange din niya ang mga halaman kong nangamamatay na. ang ganda na naman dito. maaliwalas at mukhang maluwag.

masama ba akong kapitbahay?